Life Update!

I know my blog has been sketch lately, so I wanted everyone to know that my DVR and I are still happy and in love. It's time I get back to basics and talk about what's really important in my life.

Let's talk Emily.
The Men Tell All.

I'm just jumping right in to my thoughts on all the nonsense that went down tonight. First of all, everyone who was eliminated on like night 2 needs to go ahead leave because I don't remember your names whatsoever.

I'm going to be honest. Kalon is rich, almost too good looking, and from Texas, so it really hurts me inside to hate him. The guy really just gets worse and worse though. On that same thought, why isn't GTFO the Bachelorette tagline? If I was giving out roses, it would be. "If you didn't get roses, GTFO." I'm glad Emily put him in his place because he really deserved it.

Every time ABC has to bleep Emily, I feel better about my life. I could never be the Bachelorette because I have no filter, and apparently neither does she. She really gives me hope.

Even though Kalon was the harshest, Ryan and Chris are the worst two men on the show in my opinion.
Chris was being such a baby the whole time and made me want to change the channel. Also, his dancing skills are on par with his personality. Kathy says Chris's mannerisms remind her of Gary (my sister's controlling ex) which isn't exactly a stretch. Dad cannot stand Chris's face to be on the screen, much less for him to talk. Kathy said, "Didn't they show him in bed with like three different people? He's right back on the horse... so to speak." I don't think she's ready for BP.

On the other hand, Dad is fascinated by Ryan. I guess I understand, because the guy is insane. I'm glad ABC compiled all of his smooth talking into one video because it was so entertaining.

And Sean! Sean, please call me. I feel so sorry for Emily. Sean is the direct opposite of my type, but I would seriously marry him today. He is so committed and serious about relationships, which is so comforting. He has a great family and a great job and seems really stable. Why you would choose a race car driver and a skateboarder instead is beyond me. I see what she sees in the other two, but you're looking for a husband and a father, Emily! Sean is perfection. She talks about her ugly crying while she was watching Sean's episode, but I couldn't care less. You dumped him! You broke his heart, and America's.

Between the bottom two, I personally would choose Jef. Jef is really funny. I think he and I would be besties if we actually knew each other because he tells my kind of jokes. I don't think he's ready to be a dad and I don't think he and Emily will last, but I like him. Of course I have this knack for picking men that aren't right for me, so he kind of fits. I would make him change his hair, obvs. Arie is hot, but I feel like he would be so uninteresting. It would be like talking to a wall. Maybe that's just the editing, though, since Emily claims he is hilarious. I'm interested to see what happens!

Um the Bachelor Pad preview was the best entertainment! REID!!! REID!! REID! I love him. I was Team Reid before there was a Team Reid. I couldn't believe Jillian dumped him when she did. He is totally my type. Complete nerd. He is my favorite Bachelor and I've seen pretty much every season. I'm excited to watch Ed too even though I hated him from day 1. (MB and I used to agree to disagree on this, but I think she might understand why I don't like him.) He cheated on Jillian (who looks like a supermodel and is awesome) and he dissed Alabama on Twitter. Um no. It's over. I hope Reid puts him in his place. Or drowns him in the pool. Mostdramaticbachelorpadever! I'm glad Michael is back too! I like him and think he deserves to find someone. The rest of the previews was basically a giant orgy. Who in the hell would have sex with Chris and how are there three of them under one roof?? And Lindzi went from Ben (ew) to Kalon (double ew)?? (Are Ben and Courtney still together? Someone update me.) This year is going to be crazy. I hope ABC served penicillin with their breakfasts or an epidemic might break out.