"You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up."

I'm watching Booze Cruise for probably the 10th time. I'm reminiscing about wanting to slap Pam. Roy over Jim? Are you insane? Michael gave Jim the best advice ever. People don't realize it's a motivational show. 

Spanish class is being a real pain in the rear lately. Crazy Linda couldn't be in class today so she sent her parseltongue husband to teach us. He admittedly doesn't know grammar. He talked at us about culture and men beating women in Latin America for the entire class time and kept us late. We were all texting each other but no one would get up the guts to make him stop. Know-it-all was eating it up and asking stupid questions that kept going for days. Also, someone reported Crazy Linda because she's so offensive and now GSCC is calling all of us to get the story. I'm super excited for this turn of events. I love drama so much I can't stand it. I'll be 2 for 2 for my Spanish teachers getting fired if they keep this up. I'm a little nervous because I need this class to graduate.

I miss Candice already. She has been gone for a few hours now. Lauren and I are on our own for a month. We are planning to fill her inbox with nonsense so she has info to read about America.

I'm about to fall out because I'm so tired. I taught my parents how to plank earlier and they were dying. I told dad planking is perfect for him (yeah, this rocking 14 year old boy's body I stole is hereditary) because abs are our main problem area. So I show him what I mean and they think I'm just laying on the ground like a beached whale. Before long we were all planking across the living room floor. I think I've changed his entire workout plan. No one copyright planking during commercials! It's my workout plan! I plan to make money off it somehow.

I'm going to bed now after I watch The Injury. You should watch it too. I hope I dream about bacon.

Sorry it's poor quality. I don't control YouTube.

One day I'll write a coherent post. Believe it or not, I'm not even on Ambien.

Inappropriate.

Our family vacay was this weekend, which turned out to be a whole bunch of weird crammed into one weekend. My divorced parents were forced to interact in public and pretend they like each other. Kathy and my mom pretended to like each other. It was really cute and I didn't buy a second of it. You people are not friends. Please stop. 

Kathy's parents were in Mobile too and Friday night Kelsey, Dad, Kathy, and I ate with them at Fly Creek Cafe in Fairhope. There were so many people there it ended up being a four hour affair. Thirty minutes in, a band featured on Andy Griffith started to play so Kelsey and I went to the bathroom (bar) and didn't come back. The grandparents don't approve of alcohol, so we had to hide in the back corner to drink over our boo problems. This led to more lectures from Dad about our alcoholism but I cannot deal with songs about washboards while I starve to death without some kind of liquid encouragement. Oh at the end of the meal, two drunk men walked right past Kelsey and me and hit on Kathy and our grandmother. It was potentially the most discouraging thing ever after our long elaborate talk an hour earlier. Men are so confusing. I never know what's going on with any of them. I wish people would just be straight forward. 

The next day we went to the beach in Gulf Shores which was okay except for the tropical storm nonsense. We kept getting in the water because it was so freaking hot, but the waves kept knocking us down. It was like doing Jillian on vacation. The waves knocked me down and stole my sunglasses. Then they took me to Alvin's Island and they were picking up everything in the store. Oh look at this hermit crab. Look at this bag of seashells. Look at this tie dye shirt. Look at this boogie board. I almost committed a few murders. 

That night, the whole family got together. While I was worrying about dinner, I apparently missed Kathy drinking half of a bottle of wine. She thought it was a good idea to have dinner with her husband and his ex-wife and all the kids when she couldn't form a sentence. Thank God they served some bread and everything turned out okay.

Today Jordan got baptized at his church so we all went as a family. Again. Mother picked this time to let her crazy out and couldn't stop crying. She game him some speech about being proud of him and cried through the whole service. It was so embarrassing. I asked if she was on Ambien and she said no, but I'm not sure I believe her. Why does this nonsense happen to me? 

Kelsey and I were with Dad and Kathy for like the whole weekend and they were being so weird. We shared a suite with them. At like 7am on Saturday they thought it was cool to watch some "hilarious" movie (Runaway Jury) and be super loud. They kept hugging and touching each other and making us want to barf. I'm pretty sure Kelsey lectured them 10 times for being inappropriate. When did we become the adults?

On the way home Dad suggested I buy a camper or a boat to live in in Wilmington because I could travel wherever I want to in my actual house. I'm really excited to go up there with him in a few weeks to get some more "helpful" ideas. 

I cannot believe Candice leaves tomorrow. What are we going to do without her for a month?? I'm so jealous of her adventure! 

I'm exhausted so don't judge me for this terrible, unorganized post. I need to go to bed and recuperate from vacation. 

You know you're old when...

... you suddenly need glasses.

We all know I don't do photography and I'm not photogenic so I just snapped this MySpace pic before work today to show off my new 1st grade teacher look. I'm not too happy about it. Kelsey said I'm a first grade teacher she'd like to f---, which is a compliment I think? 

These past few days have been interesting to say the least. John came up with the idea to take a trip to London and of course I agreed to it. London is like my dream place to visit so I couldn't turn down that opportunity. I have no money but that's a minor detail. I'm working on it. John might explode if we don't book something soon but I think he's trying to be patient at least. I'm trying not to get overexcited about it until we do actually book something.

Clearly anyone who knows me or follows me on Twitter knows the thing taking up the majority of my time is the new Justin Bieber CD. OMG I cannot even deal. The whole London suggestion went down while I was trying to download the CD so it was a big like 30 minutes in my life. I am trying to think of how to describe it, but I'll just say it's awesome. Right now, my favorites are Die in Your Arms, Be Alright, and Right Here. But it really hurt me to type that because I hate picking favorites. I listen to Die in Your Arms an obscene amount of times everyday. (I commute for two hours a day so don't judge me. Or judge me, whatever.) Catching Feelings and She Don't Like the Lights are my least favorites. (DOESN'T, Justin. She DOESN'T like the lights.) I can't believe I have to wait until January to see his concert. I'm trying to talk John into coming to the one in NC and I'm most definitely going to the one in Atlanta with my fellow Beliebers. I just have to #believe time will be on my side. (See what I did there?) 

OMG today the worst thing happened. I was making my calls as per usual and I called and asked for someone and the person replied "I'm sorry he passed away." OMG. I of course started apologizing profusely and the poor widow on the phone started crying before I could get off the phone. I almost went home. I felt so bad. Instead I typed a few emails to customers I had already left messages for. I was for real depressed there for about an hour or two. The good news is that two of the people I talked to bought a car today!! I need to take that money and put it directly in the London fund. 

Tengo un examen espanol de la manana y no quiero estudiar. Los verbos va a matarme.

Today in class Linda got super racist and started talking about how terrible Latin American men are and how women from America shouldn't have relationships with them because they view women as property and are mean. This of course offended Greg because his novio is from Mexico and Linda knew that and said it anyway. So he called her out for generalizing an entire group of people. She then apologized by saying she was talking about Latin American men and American women and she knows nothing about men and men and "has nothing to do with things like that." It was super offensive all around and pretty much a joy to watch. Apparently she offered Greg some money for clothes the other day after class because she thought he needed new clothes. WTF Linda.

Shout out to Greg for getting engaged last night. He's getting married at Sea World! 

My life is boring.

I have to do my Spanish homework so I'm making this fast.
I saw Rock of Ages. Even though it seems like they made it especially for me, it sucked.
Kelsey was sick with some sort of flu this weekend and spread it around our house. She also didn't come home on Friday night which made for an interesting morning.
I spent the majority of my last Bryant paycheck at Gap. I found a pair of pants that fit which I haven't had in years so I'm contemplating wearing them everyday. I might put them on to do my homework.
Church was super weird today. The youth sang some horrible, loud music. Some little girl pretended to do sign language but I'm fairly sure she made it up. I don't see deaf people whipping their hair like Willow Smith.  My dad and the preacher had a little tiff mid-sermon which I thought was precious. And he thinks I have a temper? Get it together. My siblings were absent so they missed all of it.
We ate lunch with the grandparents. My Nana kept saying I look prettier every time she sees me which leads me to believe I was a troll as a child. She also kept trying to say some 11 year old she knows "swam for USA" last week, which is clearly incorrect on so many levels.
I had to go on a Sonic run at happy hour to get mixers for my parents because they wanted to stay in the pool.
We watched the US Open from 4pm-10pm pretty much. I was super annoyed that Michael Thompson didn't win. I'm going to do my Spanish now and I'll try to think of something more entertaining for you to read about next time!

I miss Michael Scott so could someone take me/go with me to see this?

Good Afternoon

Usually I post when I get home from work but I have a date tonight (with Lara) to see Rock of Ages so I'll probably forget.

I went to the eye doctor today for the first time in my life. It was less painful than I thought it would be except for making me feel ancient. Turns out part of my cornea is farsighted and part of it is nearsighted so I just can't see in general. I picked out some glasses that really make me look like a nerd, but I only have to wear them when I'm doing things that require focusing like reading or watching TV. That's pretty much all I do so this could get interesting. Maybe I'll be able to read the TV now. Also, no one told me how much glasses cost, including the morons at the eye place so I got a little frustrated. She told me the total and when I asked her to explain to me how plastic and glass cost so much, my mother freaked out and told me not to talk anymore. I thought it was a valid question. We'll see if these things actually work and if they don't I'm getting that money back.

I ate lunch with my mother which would be normal, but nothing about my life is normal. She went on a date last night and thought it was appropriate to give me all of the details. I already had a headache from dilated eyes then she made me want to puke with all that nonsense. This guy has four kids that all have four names. He has no wife because she ran away. When I asked why she ran away Mother acted like that was a ridiculous question. Then my older brother and his girlfriend called her on speakerphone to hear all about it and asked her a lot more details. Girlfriend is just so interested in every detail and starts screaming like a banshee when Mother tells her he brought roses to the restaurant. Neither of them understand why that is appalling to me. "You don't understand romance." Well Girlfriend is dating my brother who is one of the goofiest people I know and my mother is old and senile. I just had to excuse myself from the rest of the conversation before they brainwashed me. I plan to call Jordan later to relay the details and see if I can make him puke.

Lauren Mann has figured out that a lot of the Bryant guys are in gangs so I'm really happy we got out of there but I'm worried Candice might need to bring a weapon to the desk. As if they weren't scary before.

Oh and Mary Beth sent me this link while I was at the doctor's office and I legit almost cried. It's terrifying. READ IT
Candice and I are now planning to adopt. The cats might need something to play with.


I'm about to go to work now then meet Lara to gripe about our adult lives in boring towns. Alec Baldwin awaits. Cheerio.

(Brokenhearted is on Pandora at this very moment.)

See I've been waiting allll dayyyy

I have had this song in my head all day so I wanted to share it with you guys. And listen to it again of course.

Linda wasn't playing any games with that Spanish test today. The vocab section should have been the easiest part, but we had to put the words in fill-in-the-blank sentences. It looked really simple until I realized I didn't know half of the other words in the sentences. That should be entertaining for her to grade. I just got the heck out of there ASAP.

Work was super boring because I've already made contact with everyone on my list so I'm done with all that nonsense for the next few days at least. I have noticed that I am learning a lot at my job though. For one thing, there is only one saleswoman, so I'm spending a lot of time around men. Between that and Bryant I should be a translator for both sexes at this point. I'm also learning about tools and cars and other information I hope I never need. Did you know Tacomas come standard with backup cameras? Toyota doesn't get to pick their own inventories. It's just randomly distributed. Toyota dealerships in Alabama sell more red cars than anywhere else in the Southeast (RTR) and we have to trade some with Georgia dealers every month to please our customers. Yeah, I told you you didn't want to know. Maybe one day someone will be impressed with my knowledge. OMG last night someone threw that Quikrete concrete mix stuff all over a brand new Mustang at Ford (where my Dad works). Since they don't have cameras the store has to pay for the damage. Let's be real, I would have taken that Mustang with the damage.

My sister is coming home tomorrow!! I'm excited to hear more about her life since I spend most of mine in boredom. Speaking of, I died of boredom today on Twitter and no one tried to resuscitate me so I'm mad at all of my followers. Candice and Lauren get a pass because I died in our group text first and they saved me. Anyways, I have to clean our room so it doesn't look like I just spend all day changing outfits. Although I practically do because you can't just wear business clothes to GSCC. They would think I was the dean.

Ok I've watched this video like 5 times since yesterday. It's Biebs at Wembley. He's on the Today Show tomorrow! Shoutout to John for tweeting it to me although I don't think he knows this blog exists. I just tried to spell exists like egsists or something so it's time for bed. Adios.


Update: Someone take me to Harry Potter World. I just saw a commercial while I was spellchecking.

Something miraculous just happened...

... a McDonalds in Calhoun county just got my order right!

Today has been insane. I was in such a good mood when I went to bed and woke up to insanity. First of all Pandora played Nickelback as my second song of the day. I should have known this day was headed for crazytown. THUMBS DOWN.

Then I get to Spanish class for our review before the test and I'm super annoyed by our Mr. Know-It-All in residence FROM THE START. Cierra su boca! Then me and this other girl in my class go to the restroom and she tells me he's not even registered in the class! So that pretty much makes me want to shank him and then I remember she curved our test based on his grade and I would've made a 100 if it wasn't for him. Operation Get Rid of the Loser starts tomorrow. Also, randomly without any hints, Linda was teaching us how to say we like things in Espanol, and she seriously asked me if I like Justin Bieber. It was weird. I kind of went a little far with my response but she said she was proud of me. I long for her approval. 

I call my realtor to try to get their nonsense under control and they have charged us $60 because they think Yappie chewed a seal off of our door. Yappie? Do physical activity? Ummm try again. They also messed up my rent for like the 5th month out of 10 that we've lived there. So I kind of lost my mind on them. When I'm mad I have to rant to calm down so I let loose on my dad when I got home for lunch. Turns out he is a terrible ranting partner. He didn't even listen to or affirm anything I said. OMG. Then, when I insisted that they should all die in a barn fire, he told me I wasn't being ladylike. I'm pretty sure my response was "You're not ladylike!" That pretty much sums up how mad I was. 

I tried to lower my blood pressure so I could go to work, but nothing was working. I tried everything normal people do like breathing deeply and putting my head between my legs, but I'm not normal. So I did what Don Draper would do and dug into the "secret" (As in my parents think it's a secret but we've been partaking for years) alcohol stash and had a drink. Sorry not sorry. It worked. 

I got to work like 10 min late and thank goodness I got to email people instead of calling today. So I emailed everyone in like an hour and a half then for the other hour and a half I pretended to work. I made a bunch of Spanish notecards that I now have to go through. Test tomorrow. My parents are home talking my ears off about VBS. 

I'll leave you with this: 

This is what we do all day.


Update: Last night I had a dream that Candice, LM and I were at a petting zoo and I tried to steal a fox. LM thinks it's a premonition. I'm hoping there's more to this story since I never got my pet wolf. I asked my dad about a dog just now and he had no response. He didn't say no...